If you like me then you should have put a ring on it...me...whatevs

Be proud of me blog fans!

It has now been an entire month since I have had any sort of physical sexual contact with a lady...excluding any drunken gropes that may or may not have happened cos you know that doesn't count.

2 weeks since I replied to a drunken text

and about 3 minutes since I last thought about sex...damn I lost the game.

But in the past month I have given up women and it hasn't been for a lack of interest, on the contrary it seems I have become (for reasons no one will understand) a sort of catnip for single females of the gay variety in the Belfast area. Now don't take this as a boast my dear few readers, I am as baffled by this as anyone if not more so, I'm chalking it up to people needing a fat gf to make them look better in summer holiday snaps and a chemical imbalance in the water.

But after a 6 months where I seem to have lived through every single lesbian dating stereotype disaster I have deiced enough is enough. I'm just fed up with drama so I decided to make a list of women I should avoid in order to have a drama free relationship/ dating environment:

Women with Boyfriends: you'd think this was pretty self explanatory but sadly no I have a habit of being bi-sexual taken girls little bit of lesbian ruff. I put it down to my boyish good looks (snark) and my total availability and lack of lesbian GFs. I do need to stop letting my vagina do all the thinking in these situations though because I hate being the other woman, I used to think it's all I'd ever be good for but I've since discovered I'm actually pretty cute and a damn good catch for a real life single lady who wants me so I'm about to man the fuck up and end my cycle of being a home wrecker.

Women who demand instant commitment: I'm going to let you in on a little secret...I am a total commitment-phobe well in terms of traditional lesbian dating ritual. Call me crazy but I think it takes more than 3 dates to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone but apparently not so much. I need to avoid girls who just leap from one relationship to another and want me to adopt Chinese babies and rent u-hauls trucks (not an easy feet considering I live in a country that does not HAVE u-haul trucks) This is easier said than done, apparently sane, coherent, and sensible ladies can turn into frothy mouthed, multiple texting, angry email and all dropping the "L" word insanely early MONSTER without a politely worded letter to explain that is a possibility! *shudder*

Woman with red hair: They are my absolute DOWN-FALL, I'm not saying anything about what kind of girls they are but they tend to turn me into watery, dribbley mess, and I loose all self control and become a "pootie chasing dawg" in the words of the ever gracious Kit Porter.

Woman who do not know I exist: Oh Sue Perkins I do not care that you are 20 years older than me and would never consider me as wife material but le sigh I can not get you off my mind! I have a serious problem with fantasizing about celesbians that I'd consider "top tottie" and how we are actually in fully formed coherent relationships. Yeah...I know I'm working on that just as soon as Kristin and I get the new curtains in and Jo Frost gets the kids in college :D

Woman who are not real: Fictional characters fall into the above category of "when emuh has too much time on her hands and let's her imagination run away with her". I just want the dream romance ala Tipping the Velvet (ok bad example) but I just AM Nan...I even have the good looks of a boy as she...FINE I'm a bit sad and don't get out much and imagining myself seducing Amy Pond in the Tardis wearing a fez and a bow tie....bloody ding

Unfortunately my exact type seems to be fictional taken bi-sexual red head crazy commitment wanting girls sigh....AMY POND! SUPER NANNY!! THAT REALLY HOT GIRL FROMM THAT FILM I CAN'T REMEMBER!!!!

So...

I'm going back to Gaydar to trawl for some clunge

Cherry cherry boom boom
Em
x

I’m not into butches…except I totally am…sorta…

I have to admit it I am (or at least was) a little bit Butch-phobic….When I first came out just over a year ago. I was so proud of being a woman who likes woman I couldn’t contain the idea of dating or even liking someone who wasn’t super femme, in fact I had that strange notion of…

“If you like girls why are you dating someone who looks like a boy?”

I am not afraid to admit I was a bit ignorant….because I have slowly discovered (without sounding too sleazy about it) that under that button up shirt, levis, and faux-hawk there is an actual OMG woman’s body…I KNOW RIGHT WHO KNEW!?

Now here’s the thing...I’m about to expose myself for the purposes of science…or at least you know mild amusement…

When I’m sober I have to say I find myself checking out cute, femmey chicks with the flowing hair, and cute shirts, and sigh.

When I’m drunk I have to say I find myself making out/sleeping with cute butch chicks with the short hair, and the waistcoats and sigh.

So why am I in denial about my butch crushes?

Well I don’t think it’s simply because they’re butch…it’s the clothes and over all attitude…I’m just not into that overly done up look, all that fake tan and heels. I like that low maintenance thing and I always think a woman no matter what looks better when she’s relaxed, in jeans, a t shirt, with her hair down and no make up. So when you’re out a femme girl will rarely look relaxed, she’ll be all dressed to kill, looking amazing but also really intimidating, well to me anyway and that puts me off. Butch girls by contrast will usually be in a fancier version of their everyday chill clothes, and even if it takes them twice as long as their femme counterparts to get ready they look like it took them 5 minutes and THAT to me is sexy. And in a strange way it’s a little bit of a turn on for me to get hit on by a butch girl because it makes ME feel like a total girl which is a complete change from my day to day life.

I’m admitting it I was totally biased and now I’m starting to see how stupid it was…

So now I think I’m into hot girls: butch, femme, diesel, soft…whatever…I just like woman…pretty woman…sigh….

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom

Em
x

I love ladies who are hot....and all ladies are hot

Hey-o yall!

Well today I was walking jauntily down the street after investing in a cheap pair of avater sunnys and was feeling pretty cool...then I caught sight of myself in a window and you know what without sounding like a total douche I looked pretty good...in a white trash bohemian indie kid kind of way...but this got me to thinking in a round about way about Body image...

Now as a lady who likes to oggle other ladies I have to say I love every shape and every size I think the womanly form is a sexified thing. Seriously woman are great they have curves and boobs and smell good and have boobs and are alluring and have boobs....boobs...basicly I like woman...A LOT

I have to say the gay ladies for the majority have a seriously healthy attitude towards both their own body image and that of others. Now I'm not saying we're all hippy dippy everyone is beautiful colony because there really is a lot of meat marketing that goes on but in general we're pretty good at enjoying all sorts of womanly delights. For example you'll see a couple that to the straight world will make no sense, like I don't know a chubby butch girl with a lil femme...or 2 butches...or 2 femmes etc. etc. etc. and that really does make me feel proud to be part of this community...

Here's what I've found...in my experiance it is STRAIGHT WOMAN that cause all this cafuffle about being skinny and big headed with your ribs showing. Now PLEASE don't hate me I know we have been conditioned by men in suits to think this, and I blame the fashion industry...seriously who thought it's be a good idea to get gay men that want to dress 12 year old boys to dress grown woman? It's dumb dumb dumb! But what I'm saying is straight woman are a million times bitchier about the way someone looks....why all the insecurity? why are woman turning on each other constantly? it baffles the hell out me....

Prime Example

Miss Kelly Clarkson I'm sure you'll all agree she is a very very very attractive woman, and recently she's reappeared looking (in my opinion) a lot better, she's a healthier weight and looks GREAT...however I was disgusted with my staight housemate who insisted on declaring how FAT she is and how she "shouldn't be on TV looking like that, she's letting her fans down"...WTF!?!?!? I'm her fan and she sure as hell hasn't let ME down

Maybe I'm being too harsh on the straight ladies but that's just my experiances.

We need to STOP hating ourselves and I know I'm one of the worst people to be saying this...or maybe the best...it's no secret that I don't like the way I look, it's something I've always struggled with since I was a little bit of a thing so I'm gonna work on that...if you guys promise to as well.

We're all woman and that alone makes us beautiful

I mean we have boobs instead of man parts and that alone is cause for celebration

OK I'm off to watch ANTM Lladies be frickin' FIERCE!

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom

Em
x

"There are A LOT of crazy people out there....and you will date them"

"There are A LOT of crazy people out there....and you will date them"

Ok we all know what a whinney biatch I am about being single.....not gonna get into it....but I watched this video today....and without sounding super cheesy it SPOKE to me xD



(the girl also says "Not in a Bax" and that made me smile)

So why am I doing my monthly "Single hate hate hate" thing?Well my house mate used to be my buddy in crying about our singleness....cept now she's gone and got back togather with her American boyfriend and ergo I am truely the only single girl left in the entire university...if not the world.

Here's the deal with me...I WANT to date but I can't because I'm so frickin' afraid....

I have....THE FEAR!!! (SCARY ECHO VOICE)

You know THE FEAR!!!!!....?

That evil little nagging that makes you think really dumb things when you think you've meet someone you could possibly be in to?

Things like...

"Oh they don't really like me they're just being polite"
"Wow they're being nice to me...I'm no way good enough to be talking to this person"
"Oh they like me as a friend...it's because I'm funny...oh god stop telling jokes!"
"They're smiling and looking at me...clearly they want me to introduce them to my friend"
"Oh they made out with me that was a kind act of chariety"
"OK they have their hand on my ass...clearly they are trying to rob me"

You know all that kind of thing....So I'm appaling at it all but it's time to face facts

I'M DESTINED TO BE ALONE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know what as long as I can have a Dog called Bunny and a Cat called Gilbert I can handle it BWAHAHAHAHA!!

This is all Rachels fault damn her and her happiness!

Wait...am I the romantic one?

OK as a single lady (yeah I know REAL suprising....) I have time to think what I want in a "partner" and thus far here's my list...

They have to be...
-funny
-smart
-able to laugh at themselves
-adventerous
-un-ashamed to be dating me (I've had this problem loads)
-smell good
-just generally a nice person

That's not a lot to ask right?

pft

then I started thinking about what I'd want my partner to do for me...
-randomly get me something they know I'll love (like weird little things like stickers or badges)
-take me to weird places like a musem or art gallery
-(sappy OTT romantic here but...) not be afraid to write me a letter....
-Make me playlists of new music I'll like
-be content with a friday night in with pizza and cheesy movies
-regular cuddles
-accepy my craziness

Then I realised something...I've done all the romatic things for people....so wait...am I the romanic one? Oh man! what!

So I want to date someone who does the things I do?

No wonder I'm single I'd never ever ever consider dating anyone who was anything like me...so is that why I keep getting my heart broken?

DUDE FOR SERIOUS!

BAD BAD TIMES!

See this is why dating should be a government funded and controled...like we'd all be entered into a national database and be assigned someone to date...

*sigh*

I hate this dating malarchy

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom

Em
x

The great abyess...of lesbian dating

I debated to call this blog "How NOT to date:the lesbian in college guide" but decided that made it seem like there was some ACTUAL useful information not just my really akward experiances....

I'm just gonna re-call some really dodgey things that have happened to me (or what I've inflicted on other people) and advise you never ever try them.

1.Never try and chat a girl up when she is sober and you are absolutly not: My advise is to have some kind of buddy system that will prevent this from happening because it will only end in your downfall. OK when I first came out (like 8 months ago) I was very scared of going to "The Gay Town" aka the 6 gay bars down a dark allyway, so the first night I was invited to go I did what any self respectin newly out of the closet girl would do...I got absolutly w***ered. By the time we actually got to some clubs where ladies were present I could barely tell where I was and was doing something very out of nature...I was going up to strangers and starting conversations. Now you way be saying to yourself surely that's a good thing" I my friend would have agreed but here is an example of one of said conversations:

Emuh*drunkly staggers to dark corner where girl is sitting alone*: D'you minffsitwifjo?
Girl *looking amused and slighlty scared*: Erm sure....
Emuh: Soooojoerebyrself?
Girl *looking even more scared and less amused*:No my friends are over there dancing...
Emuh:S'atsgoocosjoosihawt...
Girl*looking for escape*:erm...thanks I...
Emuh:NOurlhyweallllyhawr
Girl *looks for help*: erm...
Emuh:SRSLYSOHAWT!

and it continues and goes on and on in an endless loop of LAME!

The girl was nice enough to talk to me and gave me her fake number. Next day all I could remember of my first "OUTing" was this conversation...and my AWFUL dancing...I should never dance EVER...I look like Miss Piggy on acid. This is why when I'm out now I stand by the bar stare at hot girls from afar and nver hit on anyone.

2.Letting your straight friends set you up on a blind date is a bad idea: THIS is an AWFUL idea...straight people don't understand that being gay isn't grounds enough for a reletionship. My friends set me up with this very nice lady who was pretty...but we had nothing in common and proceeded to have the most akward stilted converstaion which ended with her getting a call from her girlfriend. THAT really helped my self confidence...so don't let the breeders set you up it'll end in an akward handshake.

3. Starring at girls from the bar: This is my dating move...hence the reason I am single. You know what I mean; You see a hot girl, you look at her, she looks at you, you look quickly away,
This is the story of my life...simply because any girl I have an intrest in (which is most girls) will never go for me in a million years *emoness* I'm such a gay...she ignores you the rest of the night, you can't stop starring at her and then go home alone.

4.The horrors of internet dating: Well...people who have success with this...please teach me. See I get so paranoid when people call me hot online based on one photo...if they saw me in real life they'd run for teh hillz! Yerp...I don't do the "dating website thing" these are just people on my websites such as AFTERELLEN it creeps me out. What's worse is when people add me to facebook....I don't know you how'd you get my name? why do you wnt to be my fried after eeing some of the truely awful pics that are up there you freak of nature. Please stop PMing to be like "Ur Hawt lolz" because I do not belive you and won't respect your judgement in woman...yerp...bad times

5. You'll never find me attractive and if you do you're nuts!: Is this just me? or do a lot of ladies get this paranoia? If I find someone remotly attractive I can't possibly imagine they'd like me because I'm so....egh...but then if a girl approaches me I automaticly think; it's some kind of bet/dare she has with her friends or a complete nutcase. Also if someone flirts with me I have no idea what she's doing...I'm so used to no one "liking me" liking me that I don't understand flirting...I'm so bad at the flirting thing it's why I stay at home and eat cookies alone.

So that's some things to remember when out and about:
-Avoid excessive drunkness
-Don't let straight people fix you up
-Try not to stare/stalk girls in clubs
-PMing people with "your hawt" tends not to work
-Try to except that people may actually find you attractive

BONUS TIP!!!
-DON'T make out with guys in bars...it sends the wrong message

Well that's all from me today

luffles and cookies

Em
x