A Gay Girls Guide to Gaydar-how to actually get a date off it

Ok so you and the love of your life have broken up, or you're just having no luck in the dating department, what is the first thing your lesbian friends will say to you....

"Get yourself on gaydar it is crawling with clunge"

But how does one approach the daunting task of gaydar?

Here is my quick and easy guide to getting yourself a date (all based on my own experience so you know it's not guaranteed success)

Step 1-Create Profile: using your wit and measure write some none pretentious lines about yourself without sound desperate, I know that's not easy when you're on a dating site but try to think about how it looks. For instance you could be a stunner ala Rihanna but if you write like a 14 year old chav on bebo it'll put a lot of people off as you're clearly not mentally capable of stringing a proper sentence together, so just use words instead of letters and you should be fine...also DO NOT write something like the following:

"I WANT TO FIND MY SOUL MATE, WILL YOU LOVE ME! PLEASE LOVE ME! I'LL LOVE YOU! LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE ME!!!"

That is both off putting and you'll only attract creepy stalker chicks who will love you too much


BONUS TIP: when you pick your pictures and you have more than one option always try to include a full shot of you because the full face shot can be very deceptive, so you may meet someone who thinks you're pretty but then your body type may not be their thing. It saves a lot of heart ache trust me on that one :)

Step 2- Browse the profiles in your location look for the fit girls: Nuff said

Step 3 -If you see someone you like MESSAGE THEM: Unlike the rest of the world of lesbian dating just starring at some girl all night will not get you anywhere, you have to be brave, toss the net out and if she doesn't reply then she doesn't it's not the end of the world.

Step 4- Be flirty but not creepy: don't start immediately asking for sex, unless they ask first...

Step 5- The Facebook Rule: OK so you've been messaging for a while and she doesn't seem crazy and she asks to add you to fb...you can add away just you know be ready for all those embarrassing photos of you to get looked at...and if she de-friends you immediately...don't get too offended

Step 6- Ask her out: In my experience the best first date tends to be coffee/a drink because they can be as short or as long as you like and there isn't a lot of pressure and you are able to talk and get to know each other

Step 7- Ask her out AGAIN

Step 8- If all goes well BAM! girlfriend!

Step 9- Break up: THAT BITCH! I AM SO DELETING HER FROM FACEBOOK!

Step 10- Hover over the delete button, change your mind and look at all her profile pictures: But she is so pretty :(

Step 11- Get drunk and passively aggressively tweet about your now ex: "Don't you hate it when people can't get you off!" or "I never liked cats I only said I did"

Step 12- Have overly heated text message battles that lead you no where and eat up your free texts

Step 13- God her profile picture is so fit, you met her online and what harm could it do to send her a flirty email?

Step 14- Stare at her Gaydar Profile to see how many new views she's got

Step 15- Ask your friends to look at your profile to boost your numbers

Step 16- realise you're crazy

Step 17- write a lengthy apology email

Step 18- Flirt your way back into her good books

Step 19- Realise she is with someone else (most likely her ex) and that isn't you so you're doomed to be forever alone

Step 20- Get drunk and cry

Step 21- Hangover times

Step 22- Realise that actually you only dated for a week or two and that every thing's going to be ok: Listen to your friends and get the hell back on that horse

Step 23- Get your ass back on Gaydar and repeat steps 2 through 8 it is only life after all ;)

Cherry Cherry boom boom

Em
x

I’m not into butches…except I totally am…sorta…

I have to admit it I am (or at least was) a little bit Butch-phobic….When I first came out just over a year ago. I was so proud of being a woman who likes woman I couldn’t contain the idea of dating or even liking someone who wasn’t super femme, in fact I had that strange notion of…

“If you like girls why are you dating someone who looks like a boy?”

I am not afraid to admit I was a bit ignorant….because I have slowly discovered (without sounding too sleazy about it) that under that button up shirt, levis, and faux-hawk there is an actual OMG woman’s body…I KNOW RIGHT WHO KNEW!?

Now here’s the thing...I’m about to expose myself for the purposes of science…or at least you know mild amusement…

When I’m sober I have to say I find myself checking out cute, femmey chicks with the flowing hair, and cute shirts, and sigh.

When I’m drunk I have to say I find myself making out/sleeping with cute butch chicks with the short hair, and the waistcoats and sigh.

So why am I in denial about my butch crushes?

Well I don’t think it’s simply because they’re butch…it’s the clothes and over all attitude…I’m just not into that overly done up look, all that fake tan and heels. I like that low maintenance thing and I always think a woman no matter what looks better when she’s relaxed, in jeans, a t shirt, with her hair down and no make up. So when you’re out a femme girl will rarely look relaxed, she’ll be all dressed to kill, looking amazing but also really intimidating, well to me anyway and that puts me off. Butch girls by contrast will usually be in a fancier version of their everyday chill clothes, and even if it takes them twice as long as their femme counterparts to get ready they look like it took them 5 minutes and THAT to me is sexy. And in a strange way it’s a little bit of a turn on for me to get hit on by a butch girl because it makes ME feel like a total girl which is a complete change from my day to day life.

I’m admitting it I was totally biased and now I’m starting to see how stupid it was…

So now I think I’m into hot girls: butch, femme, diesel, soft…whatever…I just like woman…pretty woman…sigh….

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom

Em
x

I am Mrs Robinson and it’s rather wrong

Hey blogger fans I’m just popping by to let you know I am officially an old pervy lady :(

I was at a local fast food establishment waiting to be served when I noticed the extremely cute cashier smiling at me, she bumped me to the front of the cue and served my super quickly smiling and tossing her hair and all of it…as I was paying she asked me “How’s you’re mum?”….Blink Blink…G’AH!

AND OH MY ACTUAL GOD I instantly recognised the cute girl smiling at me who I’d been mentally undressing as the kid I used to baby sit back in the day!

I’d known her since she was 5 and hadn’t seen her since she was 11 and still very much a girl and now she’s all fit and GROWN up…ewww *does arm flappy grossed out dance*

I consulted my friends and they all agree I’m a perv

Even though she is now 17 it still makes me a filthy old lady

It has thus far been the creepiest moment of my adult life

Cherry cherry boom boom

Em
x