Heyo my loyal followers!
Here I am tis early in the morning again and all I can think of to do is write to thee.
I’ve been through a lot of changes the last 5 years some physically, some mentally and a lot emotionally not of all of it good but then again not all of it bad.
I’ve meet some people recently who are very awesome and seem to think I’m pretty cool, I’ve learned that I’m actually pretty popular at uni and that people actually consider me to be a person of substance…ME!
I’ve been invisi-girl ever since I got to high school…the ugly geek too shy to speak and too afraid to look, that’s been my identity for the better part of 10 years and to have that changed to be honest is freaking me the heck out.
I’ve been told most of my life that I wasn’t good enough in some way or another I’ve been a failure to someone wither it was my parents, my teachers or my peers. I’ve done something wrong that has excluded me from the ven-diagram of cool and worth while. So for me the use of self deprecation is a way of life…if I say the truth first no one else has the opportunity to discovery it for themselves and has any cause to reject me. I’m the first to admit it’s a pretty simple self defence mechanism, I don’t like thinking the way I do but it’s the only way I know how, I can’t believe someone has an interest in me because they like my personality I HAVE to believe it’s because they pity me. Likewise I can not believe someone is attracted to me, they are either attracted to my friends and using me to get to them or are settling for the likes of me or are trying to win a bet…yerp that’s the only reason and no other. I just can’t conceive the notion that I may actually be appealing to anyone…ANYONE as anything other than a mildly amusing oddity…my brain truly hates me.
So what has sparked this little ranty?
Well when recently chatting to some friends we got onto the topic of my self esteem because we were chatting about love n stuff, I simply admitted my fears that no one would ever go for the likes of me, that I simply wasn’t worthy of attention…they seemed shocked…even more so when I told them I had no idea why they hung out with me at all…even if I am completely hilarious. One in particular (who I have a lot in common with) told me I was crazy, that I needed an ego boost and that I wasn’t just the “funny fat friend” that I AM attractive both personality and looks wise, and not just because of my amazing impression of a manatee. I can not fathom this idea….and then a few people in my classes who I didn’t think noticed me at all started chatting to me and confessed they thought I was too clever for THEM to talk to ME! WTFBBQ!
I look back at the scared 16 year old I was 5 years ago and I really have changed…for the better I hope…I’m not as awkward socially, I LIKE hanging out with my friends, I LIKE being the funny one and I LIKE speaking up and speaking my mind. I don’t find the massive physical difference horrible either, I’ve finally grown into my hideous mug and my ears aren’t the size of Jupiter anymore….and I enjoy the few wrinkles I am the proud owner of…Yes I’m still the biggest dork on the planet, yes I still have tree trunk thighs and a Buddha belly, yes I am still not the prettiest girl in school and nor will I be asked to dance anytime soon but the fact is…I’ve grown up…and I’ve got to try and except the person I’ve grown into isn’t half bad….that may take another 10 years but hey…there’s not rush
Cherry Cherry Boom Boom