Ok so you and the love of your life have broken up, or you're just having no luck in the dating department, what is the first thing your lesbian friends will say to you....
"Get yourself on gaydar it is crawling with clunge"
But how does one approach the daunting task of gaydar?
Here is my quick and easy guide to getting yourself a date (all based on my own experience so you know it's not guaranteed success)
Step 1-Create Profile: using your wit and measure write some none pretentious lines about yourself without sound desperate, I know that's not easy when you're on a dating site but try to think about how it looks. For instance you could be a stunner ala Rihanna but if you write like a 14 year old chav on bebo it'll put a lot of people off as you're clearly not mentally capable of stringing a proper sentence together, so just use words instead of letters and you should be fine...also DO NOT write something like the following:
"I WANT TO FIND MY SOUL MATE, WILL YOU LOVE ME! PLEASE LOVE ME! I'LL LOVE YOU! LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE ME!!!"
That is both off putting and you'll only attract creepy stalker chicks who will love you too much
BONUS TIP: when you pick your pictures and you have more than one option always try to include a full shot of you because the full face shot can be very deceptive, so you may meet someone who thinks you're pretty but then your body type may not be their thing. It saves a lot of heart ache trust me on that one :)
Step 2- Browse the profiles in your location look for the fit girls: Nuff said
Step 3 -If you see someone you like MESSAGE THEM: Unlike the rest of the world of lesbian dating just starring at some girl all night will not get you anywhere, you have to be brave, toss the net out and if she doesn't reply then she doesn't it's not the end of the world.
Step 4- Be flirty but not creepy: don't start immediately asking for sex, unless they ask first...
Step 5- The Facebook Rule: OK so you've been messaging for a while and she doesn't seem crazy and she asks to add you to fb...you can add away just you know be ready for all those embarrassing photos of you to get looked at...and if she de-friends you immediately...don't get too offended
Step 6- Ask her out: In my experience the best first date tends to be coffee/a drink because they can be as short or as long as you like and there isn't a lot of pressure and you are able to talk and get to know each other
Step 7- Ask her out AGAIN
Step 8- If all goes well BAM! girlfriend!
Step 9- Break up: THAT BITCH! I AM SO DELETING HER FROM FACEBOOK!
Step 10- Hover over the delete button, change your mind and look at all her profile pictures: But she is so pretty :(
Step 11- Get drunk and passively aggressively tweet about your now ex: "Don't you hate it when people can't get you off!" or "I never liked cats I only said I did"
Step 12- Have overly heated text message battles that lead you no where and eat up your free texts
Step 13- God her profile picture is so fit, you met her online and what harm could it do to send her a flirty email?
Step 14- Stare at her Gaydar Profile to see how many new views she's got
Step 15- Ask your friends to look at your profile to boost your numbers
Step 16- realise you're crazy
Step 17- write a lengthy apology email
Step 18- Flirt your way back into her good books
Step 19- Realise she is with someone else (most likely her ex) and that isn't you so you're doomed to be forever alone
Step 20- Get drunk and cry
Step 21- Hangover times
Step 22- Realise that actually you only dated for a week or two and that every thing's going to be ok: Listen to your friends and get the hell back on that horse
Step 23- Get your ass back on Gaydar and repeat steps 2 through 8 it is only life after all ;)
Cherry Cherry boom boom
Em
x
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