Be proud of me blog fans!
It has now been an entire month since I have had any sort of physical sexual contact with a lady...excluding any drunken gropes that may or may not have happened cos you know that doesn't count.
2 weeks since I replied to a drunken text
and about 3 minutes since I last thought about sex...damn I lost the game.
But in the past month I have given up women and it hasn't been for a lack of interest, on the contrary it seems I have become (for reasons no one will understand) a sort of catnip for single females of the gay variety in the Belfast area. Now don't take this as a boast my dear few readers, I am as baffled by this as anyone if not more so, I'm chalking it up to people needing a fat gf to make them look better in summer holiday snaps and a chemical imbalance in the water.
But after a 6 months where I seem to have lived through every single lesbian dating stereotype disaster I have deiced enough is enough. I'm just fed up with drama so I decided to make a list of women I should avoid in order to have a drama free relationship/ dating environment:
Women with Boyfriends: you'd think this was pretty self explanatory but sadly no I have a habit of being bi-sexual taken girls little bit of lesbian ruff. I put it down to my boyish good looks (snark) and my total availability and lack of lesbian GFs. I do need to stop letting my vagina do all the thinking in these situations though because I hate being the other woman, I used to think it's all I'd ever be good for but I've since discovered I'm actually pretty cute and a damn good catch for a real life single lady who wants me so I'm about to man the fuck up and end my cycle of being a home wrecker.
Women who demand instant commitment: I'm going to let you in on a little secret...I am a total commitment-phobe well in terms of traditional lesbian dating ritual. Call me crazy but I think it takes more than 3 dates to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone but apparently not so much. I need to avoid girls who just leap from one relationship to another and want me to adopt Chinese babies and rent u-hauls trucks (not an easy feet considering I live in a country that does not HAVE u-haul trucks) This is easier said than done, apparently sane, coherent, and sensible ladies can turn into frothy mouthed, multiple texting, angry email and all dropping the "L" word insanely early MONSTER without a politely worded letter to explain that is a possibility! *shudder*
Woman with red hair: They are my absolute DOWN-FALL, I'm not saying anything about what kind of girls they are but they tend to turn me into watery, dribbley mess, and I loose all self control and become a "pootie chasing dawg" in the words of the ever gracious Kit Porter.
Woman who do not know I exist: Oh Sue Perkins I do not care that you are 20 years older than me and would never consider me as wife material but le sigh I can not get you off my mind! I have a serious problem with fantasizing about celesbians that I'd consider "top tottie" and how we are actually in fully formed coherent relationships. Yeah...I know I'm working on that just as soon as Kristin and I get the new curtains in and Jo Frost gets the kids in college :D
Woman who are not real: Fictional characters fall into the above category of "when emuh has too much time on her hands and let's her imagination run away with her". I just want the dream romance ala Tipping the Velvet (ok bad example) but I just AM Nan...I even have the good looks of a boy as she...FINE I'm a bit sad and don't get out much and imagining myself seducing Amy Pond in the Tardis wearing a fez and a bow tie....bloody ding
Unfortunately my exact type seems to be fictional taken bi-sexual red head crazy commitment wanting girls sigh....AMY POND! SUPER NANNY!! THAT REALLY HOT GIRL FROMM THAT FILM I CAN'T REMEMBER!!!!
I'm going back to Gaydar to trawl for some clunge
Cherry cherry boom boom