A Gay Girls Guide to Gaydar-how to actually get a date off it

Ok so you and the love of your life have broken up, or you're just having no luck in the dating department, what is the first thing your lesbian friends will say to you....

"Get yourself on gaydar it is crawling with clunge"

But how does one approach the daunting task of gaydar?

Here is my quick and easy guide to getting yourself a date (all based on my own experience so you know it's not guaranteed success)

Step 1-Create Profile: using your wit and measure write some none pretentious lines about yourself without sound desperate, I know that's not easy when you're on a dating site but try to think about how it looks. For instance you could be a stunner ala Rihanna but if you write like a 14 year old chav on bebo it'll put a lot of people off as you're clearly not mentally capable of stringing a proper sentence together, so just use words instead of letters and you should be fine...also DO NOT write something like the following:

"I WANT TO FIND MY SOUL MATE, WILL YOU LOVE ME! PLEASE LOVE ME! I'LL LOVE YOU! LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE ME!!!"

That is both off putting and you'll only attract creepy stalker chicks who will love you too much


BONUS TIP: when you pick your pictures and you have more than one option always try to include a full shot of you because the full face shot can be very deceptive, so you may meet someone who thinks you're pretty but then your body type may not be their thing. It saves a lot of heart ache trust me on that one :)

Step 2- Browse the profiles in your location look for the fit girls: Nuff said

Step 3 -If you see someone you like MESSAGE THEM: Unlike the rest of the world of lesbian dating just starring at some girl all night will not get you anywhere, you have to be brave, toss the net out and if she doesn't reply then she doesn't it's not the end of the world.

Step 4- Be flirty but not creepy: don't start immediately asking for sex, unless they ask first...

Step 5- The Facebook Rule: OK so you've been messaging for a while and she doesn't seem crazy and she asks to add you to fb...you can add away just you know be ready for all those embarrassing photos of you to get looked at...and if she de-friends you immediately...don't get too offended

Step 6- Ask her out: In my experience the best first date tends to be coffee/a drink because they can be as short or as long as you like and there isn't a lot of pressure and you are able to talk and get to know each other

Step 7- Ask her out AGAIN

Step 8- If all goes well BAM! girlfriend!

Step 9- Break up: THAT BITCH! I AM SO DELETING HER FROM FACEBOOK!

Step 10- Hover over the delete button, change your mind and look at all her profile pictures: But she is so pretty :(

Step 11- Get drunk and passively aggressively tweet about your now ex: "Don't you hate it when people can't get you off!" or "I never liked cats I only said I did"

Step 12- Have overly heated text message battles that lead you no where and eat up your free texts

Step 13- God her profile picture is so fit, you met her online and what harm could it do to send her a flirty email?

Step 14- Stare at her Gaydar Profile to see how many new views she's got

Step 15- Ask your friends to look at your profile to boost your numbers

Step 16- realise you're crazy

Step 17- write a lengthy apology email

Step 18- Flirt your way back into her good books

Step 19- Realise she is with someone else (most likely her ex) and that isn't you so you're doomed to be forever alone

Step 20- Get drunk and cry

Step 21- Hangover times

Step 22- Realise that actually you only dated for a week or two and that every thing's going to be ok: Listen to your friends and get the hell back on that horse

Step 23- Get your ass back on Gaydar and repeat steps 2 through 8 it is only life after all ;)

Cherry Cherry boom boom

Em
x

And now for something completly different....

Blog fans

This isn't going to be one of my simply HILLLLLARIOUS looks at life as a failing lesbian Lothario , so please feel free to ignore me until I come back next week with another entry.

Tomorrow marks the 9th anniversary of the worst day of my life.

My dad, who was my hero and best friend died on the 11th February 2002 and was cremated on Valentines day. Hence my hatred of this time of year....

But while I have grown up, and the pain of his loss has eased slightly this year has had a slightly strange effect on me.

As the only person who loved me for being myself, and liked me the way I was it was extremly hard to lose him.

But now all I keep thinking "would he be proud of me?"

If I spoke to him now would the person I've grown into still be someone he'd love unconditionally?

I can't denay that I've changed a lot from the 13 year old girl that used to look up at him.

and since my life isn't exactly what I want it to be and I'm not proud of myself it's made me feel extra bad that I've let him down.

He always told me I could do and be anything I set my mind to and now that I'm just existing I feel like a total failure

would he even LIKE me now?

it's all such a complicated swirl of emotions in my poor head that I'm trying to figure out

Cherry cherry boom boom

Em
x

Because I have nothing better to do....and have writters block

The stoopid things meme:

level 1

() Smoked A Cigarette

() Smoked A Cigar

(XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXxxx) Kissed a member of the same gender

(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 2 (not so hardcore)

Level 2

( ) Are / Been In Love

(XXX) Been Dumped

(x) Shoplifted

( ) Been Fired

(x) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 5 (still pretty lame)

Level 3

(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person

(x ) Skipped School

(x) Slept With A Co-worker

(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 9 (ooooooh improved score)

Level 4

(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends

( ) Been To Paris

(x) Been To England

(x) Been On A Plane

(x_x) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 13

Level 5

(x) Eaten sushi

( x) Met someone BECAUSE Of Facebook/Myspace/MXit

(x) Been in a Mosh Pit

() Don’t know what a Mosh Pit is

SO FAR: 16 (ooooooooh LEVELED UP)

Level 6

(x) Taken Pain Killers

(x) Loved/Liked Someone Who You Can’t Have

(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By

(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 20 (even number woo hoo)

Level 7

(x) Had A Tea Party

(x) Flown A Kite

(x) Built A Sand Castle

(x) Gone Mudding

(xxxxxXXXXXxxxxxXXXXXxxxx) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 24 (DRESSSSSSSSSSING UP!!!)

Level 8

(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves

(x) Gone Sledding

( ) Cheated While Playing A Game

(xxxxxxx :( ) Been Lonely

(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 27

Level 9

(x) Watched The Sun Set

( ) Felt An Earthquake

(x)Held A Snake

SO FAR: 29!

Level 10

(x) Been Tickled

(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized

(x) Been Cheated On

(x) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 33

Level 11

(x) Won A Contest

( ) Been Suspended From School

(x) Had Detention

(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 36

Level 12

(though no one EVER believe me that I haven't ) Had / Have Braces

(X) Eaten A Whole Pint Of Ice Cream In One Night

( ) Danced In The Moonlight

SO FAR: 37

Level 13

(xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxxXxXXxXxX) Hated The Way You Look

(x) Witnessed A Crime

() Pole Danced

(x) Questioned Your Heart

( ) Been Obsessed With Post It Notes

SO FAR: 41

Level 14

(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud

(X *I spend most of my life lost) Been Lost

(x) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World

(x) Swam In The Ocean

(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 46 geeez this thing is bloody long

Level 15

(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep

(x) Played Cops And Robbers

(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers

(x) Sang Karaoke

(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 51

Level 16

(xxxxxxxxx) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn’t

(x) Made Prank Phone Call(s)

(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose

(x) Kissed In The Rain -epic sigh- this is my absolute FAVORITE thing to do

SO FAR:55

Level 17

(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus

(x) Watched The Sun Set and/or Sun Rise With Someone You Care/Cared About

(x) Blown Bubbles

(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or Anywhere

SO FAR: 59

Level 18

(x) Crashed A Party

(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People

(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading

(x) Had A Wish Come True

SO FAR: 63

Level 19

(x) Worn Pearls

(x) Jumped Off A Bridge

( ) Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 65

Level 20

( ) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/Ice Cube

( ) Kissed A Fish o.OWHAT. THE. FFfffffff........

(x) Worn The Opposite Gender’s Clothes

(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 67

Level 21

(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs

() Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel

() Talked On The Phone For More Than 4 Hours

(x) Recently Stayed Up For A While Talking To Someone You Care About

SO FAR: 69 dirty number

Level 22

(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree

(x) Climbed A Tree

(x) Had/Been In A Tree House

(x) Been Scared Too Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 72

Level 23

( ) Believe In Ghosts

(x) Have/had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes

( ) Streaking

(x) Visited a Jail

SO FAR: 74

Level 24

(x) Played Chicken

(x) Been Told You’re Hot By A Complete Stranger

(x) Broken A Bone

(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 78

Level 25

(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later

( ) Made a [porn] Movie

(x) Caught A Butterfly

( x) Laughed So Hard You Cried

( x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 82

Level 26

(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone

(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You

(x) Cheated On A Test

(x) Forgotten Someone’s Name

( ) French Braided Someones Hair

(x) Gone Skinny Dipping

(x) Been Kicked Out Of Your House

SO FAR: 89

Level 27

(x) Rode A Roller Coaster

(x) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling

(x) Had A Cavity

( ) Black-Mailed Someone

(x) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 93

Level 28

(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx) Been Used :(

(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs

(x) Licked by A Cat

(x) Bitten Someone

(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 98

Level 29

(x) Been Shot At/Or Held At Gunpoint

( ) Had Intercourse In The Rain

() Flattened Someones Tires

() Rode Your Bike/Driven Your Car Until The Fuel Light Came On

() got 20$ or less worth of fuel

TOTAL: 99

I am a lame lame person

cherry cherry boom boom

Em

x