Wednesday, 28 October 2009

20 Things you should never do on a 1 night stand

Ok peeps here tis….a brief list of no no’s yall should bear in mind if you’re the adventurous type…these have all happened to me and to them I say neigh! It just goes to prove I’m not the one night only kind…or lucky in anyway. So here we go….

20 Things you should never do on a 1 night stand!

1-Make out with someone just after you’ve eaten a cheeseburger: This is just plain nasty because here’s the deal…I like burgers and I like kissing but both at the same time is just gross…so homegirls gum! It wouldn’t kill ye to use some after you’ve hit Maccy D’s

2-Call someone “Squishy…like a bouncy castle!”: You wanna kill the mood extra quickly while you’re with a curvy woman just compare her to a giant inflatable children’s play thing…she’ll love that…


3- Spend 20 minutes on the phone to your friends just before or even DURRING business hours: I’m sure your friends are lovely but TBH I don’t really need to hear about Heathers family problems when I picked you up at a place called “Stray”

4-Repeatidly mention your dead relatives: This should be pretty self explanatory….

5- Utter the words “Wow…that’s exactly how my ex used to do it!” : really? hey guess what I DON’T CARE!!! Keep thoughts of yer ex to yourself because it’s 4.30 and I don’t have time for a heart to heart when I haven’t had mine yet

6-Read your text messages while having sex-I’m sure your mates don’t wanna know about the “bouncy” castle girl in your pants right now.

7-Bitting in places that hurt the next day: e.g. nipples, belly, thighs, boobs, bum, shoulder…that pleasure is reserved for girlfriends whom I trust not to leave me looking like a beaten woman for a week!

8-Assume I’m a bottom because I have a big one: Ok this may just be me who’s annoyed by this but for reals I’ll rock your world….

9-Talk about how pigs are the most vicious of all the fun farm yard creatures and their uses in the disposal of a human body: NOT sexy! So when you kill me you’re gonna feed me to your pigs huh? Oh I want you I need you oh baby oh baby… get the hell offa me buffalo Bill!

10-Assume just because you’ve seen me naked you’re allowed to come into the shower with me: G’AH! GET OUT I’M TRYING TO WASH AWAY THE SHAME AND SMELL OF VOMIT!!! Plus it’s daylight and while I’m sexy in the dark you’re certainly NOT allowed to look at my wobbly bits sober in anyway

11- Call me Suzanne when that’s clearly not my name: ….this is the ultimate betrayal of our one night romance what’s-yer-name! how very dare you!!!

12-Get so high you get super paranoid and refuse to let your “date leave”: inviting someone back, getting high, and locking the both of you in a small room, while you block the only exit route for said “date” is a big NO NO!

13-Steal items of clothing from your conquest: You may have fallen for her…or just really liked her shirt but seriously that’s A) Creepy and B) STEALING! This is illegal…

14-Start a theological debate about the moral standards of the community: Says you who’s pulled me, made me pay for the taxi AND stolen my favourite t-shirt….I’m sure Jesus won’t mind if you add “having awesome hot lesbian shmexy times” to that list

15-NOT using lube before attempting certain activities: NUFF said ladies I’m sure use your imagination…

16-Declare “OH SHIT MY PARENT ARE HERE GET DRESSED!! GET DRESSED! HIDE ALL MY GAY STUFF!!!!” at 8.30AM when sex has been occurring until 7.30AM: having a grumpy tired lesbian leaving your dorm room may not be the greatest thing for you…

17-Make your “date” look at pictures of your ex and comparing them to said Ex: Nothing says “I’m so hot for you right now” than pointing out every single flaw of the person who wants to shag you.

18-Pokeing any flabbiness and referring to it as “adorable” as your intended bed buddy gets undressed: o.O you don’t have mad passionate MIND BLOWING orgasms with anyone who is “adorable”

19-Saying “I hope you don’t mind but I won’t be doing that to you…compared to what you just did I’m useless”: THAT is SUCH a cope out! At least give it a go…I mean I came all the way over here…so the point of this evening was to get you off and then watch rubbish TV while listening to you cry about your last conquest and how awesome they were….sigh

20-Be a boy: That’s just unforgivable…no vagina, no entry

So I hope you abide these rules girls and heed my warnings

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom



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