I'm digressing but the point is too many people say it just to say it and that pisses me off, it feels like disrespectful, and actually offends me a little. I also believe there is a difference to loving someone and being in love with someone. I adore my friends and there are 3 that I love, they are my deepest friends and I tell them that I love them if I feel the need to, I'd do anything for them but that feeling is another universe of feelings to a romantic relationship. Being in love is something completely different I can't express how I'd tell someone I was in love with them, I've never had that opportunity so I can't really comment....if this makes sense let me know... OK enough explanation about my morals and ideas let's get down to the nitty gritty... I know it's cheesy but a song...in fact a Tegan and Sara song...sums up perfectly my first experience of being in love.
Nineteen
I felt you in my legs
Before I even met you
And when I laid beside you
For the first time
I told you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen
(Call me)
I felt you in my life
Before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay down
Beside you
And tell you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
And now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen
(call me)
I was nineteen
(call me)
Flew home,
Back to where we met
Stayed inside
I was so upset
Cooked up a plan,
So good except
I was all alone
You were all I had
Love you
You were all mine
Love me
I was yours right
I was yours right
I was nineteen
(call me)
I was nineteen
(call me)
I felt you in my legs
Before I even met you
And when I laid beside you
For the first time
I told you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen
(Call me)
I felt you in my life
Before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay down
Beside you
And tell you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
And now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen
(call me)
I was nineteen
(call me)
Flew home,
Back to where we met
Stayed inside
I was so upset
Cooked up a plan,
So good except
I was all alone
You were all I had
Love you
You were all mine
Love me
I was yours right
I was yours right
I was nineteen
(call me)
I was nineteen
(call me)
OK I don't know how you interpret that song but for me it's about that intense first love the one that stays in your chest long after it's gone especially if you've lost it because it's come to an end. I was tragic in high school, I was a fat, unpopular, geek that hide away into obsession and generally being a nerd. I loved musical theatre and was deranged in my lust for Patricia Quinn, so I logged onto the website and forum and meet the girl...I mean THE girl. It was by accident we meet when I was 17 and used to chat all the time, send each other letters, and despite the Continently difference (My UK her Ohio USA) we became fast friends. We were both "straight" (cough) and I simply thought this intense bond I had with her was friendship. That is until she got a boyfriend and I became almost insanely jealous, how DARE this boy touch her, think he could kiss her, she was incredible! I mean she was smart, and funny, incredibly gorgeous and Oh my actual god I liked her…like a lot a lot....I knew it right then I was gay.
It took maybe a year and a half for me to realise it but I had accidentally developed the worst crush of all time with one of my best friends and when I did it took my by surprise. Should I tell her? I decided to send her a letter letting her know that I at least "liked her" liked her, she didn't respond but our friendship continued un-disturbed until we both came out around the same time. I was planning a visit to the states so we could at least say "Hey there best friend" in person. As I was in mid flight booking, she said something very surprising, one night we were joking around like girls do about being touchy feely (I went to a girls school and my friends are lesbi-freinds (look that up) so that wasn't a weird occurrence) when she slowed down and asked seriously "would you find if I did...you know...was touchy feely with you?"....WHUT! I asked her why and she said because she liked me and had for a while I was a-gasp. Pretty much straight away the letters to each other became old fashioned declarations of “intentions” being 19 I was afraid of being hurt but I went for it and let myself enjoy the feeling. Obviously it’s different when you’re in a long distance whirlwind affair it’s difficult to be taken seriously and you’re worried the other person feels differently. It was very tragic straight out of a WW2 film, it was delicious and I never thought it would end…it did.
A few months went by the conversation turned platonic again….I knew what happened…she’d meet someone else. She told me about this girl and it cut me deep. It really hurt, but I kinda expected it, I mean who’d want me? And She was too good for me it was only a matter of time before she realised it and got herself someone worthy of her affections. But it still hurt….well this new girl didn’t last very long and before long we were back to being in our “weird open long distance relationship” and I did go to visit her last summer for 2 weeks. Well when I arrived she tackled me in the airport and the trip was amazing. Within a week I’d completely fallen in love with her, I mean head over heals in love and it was amazing. We had some great nights and then we got drunk. BUT rather than what you may be thinking nothing happened….I didn’t so much as kiss her because I was too afraid of rejection. I regret it now but at the time it was the right decision I didn’t want her to be drunk if anything was gonna happen I wanted to be sure if anything did happen it was because she really did liked me and could handle the thought of being with someone like me. So on leaving I did the tragic lesbian thing and wrote her a letter and gave her my favourite necklace that I’d worn the whole time. When I left it was horrible we both cried at the airport and hugged for 10 minutes, I cried because she cried, she cried because I was leaving it was very tragic.
When I got home I was a wreck I just lay in my room reading bad lesbian fiction listening to “The Con” and “Nineteen” over and over along with the mixed CD she had made for me…Oh my I wanted the world to end because the pain was so bad, it physically hurt that I couldn’t be with her. I finally understood what people were talking about when they said they were heart-broken it was very hard to endure. But after about a month I managed to get over myself and start to live again but it took me a good 6 months to get over her, and honestly I’m still not there’s still a wee spark there ready to be inflamed. She’s still one of my greatest friends and we talk all the time but she’ll always have a special place in my heart as my first love. I think I’ll be carrying a flame for her my entire life.
So why’d I tell you all this tragic information?
Well I just wanted to let the younger girls out there that have been broken up with or have lost someone that it’s ok. It will get better trust me and no the pain doesn’t vanish it just becomes a different feeling…acceptance. It takes time it really does but it gets better, this part of you’re life is important but it’s a very small part. Don’t be afraid to feel , but don’t abuse the word LOVE…you’ll know when it’s love and everything else will become very clear, don’t rush yourself to fall in love…it’s true what they say you can’t hurry love you’ll just have to wait….indeed.
Cherry Cherry Boom Boom
Em
x
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