I'm bringing sexay back...though not really cos it's just me

Hey ho hello hi and bonjour!

I am such a terrible awful awful blogger, I have written far too many of these "hey I'm back, I'm sorry for not writing more, love you guys!" posts

I completely lost my password and have had a hell of a time remembering it (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it) so ladies I do apologize so very very much for disappearing!

I've done some quite exciting new grown up things since we last spoke such as moving out of home, applying for proper like grown up jobby things, and learning how to say "No" to karaoke (this I believe is my greatest achievement) but imagine my awesome and lovely surprise that when I did log back in I had TEN brand spanking new followers! I must warn you new folks this blog is mostly drivel mingled with my mad desire to tell you all about my sex life or to be more accurate my masturbation habits and past sexual disasters.

But I am resolute to keep this blog alive as long as there are people out there willing to read it.

I am therefore promising you all a post (and a vlog very exciting) in the next week to make up for July and Augusts total lack of activity.

so for now my sweet hearts I bid you fare thee well and I WILL BE BACK SOON!

If I'm not I give you all full permission to abuse me on my twitter page until I do something

For now my darlings I say as always

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom
Em
x

Text NUNNERY-DRAG KING AND BURLESQUE FUN!

Wanna see me dressed as a very cute boy, meet some hot ladies, have a good dance, have a few shots and confess your sins??

Then pop down to The Nunnery

Nuns giving out twisted communion and more till 11pm! Men are allowed in after 11 for monastery of sound to dance the night away with camp club classics! Not to be missed

£3 before half 10/£5 after. R.O.A.R @Mynt Belfast

If you like me then you should have put a ring on it...me...whatevs

Be proud of me blog fans!

It has now been an entire month since I have had any sort of physical sexual contact with a lady...excluding any drunken gropes that may or may not have happened cos you know that doesn't count.

2 weeks since I replied to a drunken text

and about 3 minutes since I last thought about sex...damn I lost the game.

But in the past month I have given up women and it hasn't been for a lack of interest, on the contrary it seems I have become (for reasons no one will understand) a sort of catnip for single females of the gay variety in the Belfast area. Now don't take this as a boast my dear few readers, I am as baffled by this as anyone if not more so, I'm chalking it up to people needing a fat gf to make them look better in summer holiday snaps and a chemical imbalance in the water.

But after a 6 months where I seem to have lived through every single lesbian dating stereotype disaster I have deiced enough is enough. I'm just fed up with drama so I decided to make a list of women I should avoid in order to have a drama free relationship/ dating environment:

Women with Boyfriends: you'd think this was pretty self explanatory but sadly no I have a habit of being bi-sexual taken girls little bit of lesbian ruff. I put it down to my boyish good looks (snark) and my total availability and lack of lesbian GFs. I do need to stop letting my vagina do all the thinking in these situations though because I hate being the other woman, I used to think it's all I'd ever be good for but I've since discovered I'm actually pretty cute and a damn good catch for a real life single lady who wants me so I'm about to man the fuck up and end my cycle of being a home wrecker.

Women who demand instant commitment: I'm going to let you in on a little secret...I am a total commitment-phobe well in terms of traditional lesbian dating ritual. Call me crazy but I think it takes more than 3 dates to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone but apparently not so much. I need to avoid girls who just leap from one relationship to another and want me to adopt Chinese babies and rent u-hauls trucks (not an easy feet considering I live in a country that does not HAVE u-haul trucks) This is easier said than done, apparently sane, coherent, and sensible ladies can turn into frothy mouthed, multiple texting, angry email and all dropping the "L" word insanely early MONSTER without a politely worded letter to explain that is a possibility! *shudder*

Woman with red hair: They are my absolute DOWN-FALL, I'm not saying anything about what kind of girls they are but they tend to turn me into watery, dribbley mess, and I loose all self control and become a "pootie chasing dawg" in the words of the ever gracious Kit Porter.

Woman who do not know I exist: Oh Sue Perkins I do not care that you are 20 years older than me and would never consider me as wife material but le sigh I can not get you off my mind! I have a serious problem with fantasizing about celesbians that I'd consider "top tottie" and how we are actually in fully formed coherent relationships. Yeah...I know I'm working on that just as soon as Kristin and I get the new curtains in and Jo Frost gets the kids in college :D

Woman who are not real: Fictional characters fall into the above category of "when emuh has too much time on her hands and let's her imagination run away with her". I just want the dream romance ala Tipping the Velvet (ok bad example) but I just AM Nan...I even have the good looks of a boy as she...FINE I'm a bit sad and don't get out much and imagining myself seducing Amy Pond in the Tardis wearing a fez and a bow tie....bloody ding

Unfortunately my exact type seems to be fictional taken bi-sexual red head crazy commitment wanting girls sigh....AMY POND! SUPER NANNY!! THAT REALLY HOT GIRL FROMM THAT FILM I CAN'T REMEMBER!!!!

So...

I'm going back to Gaydar to trawl for some clunge

Cherry cherry boom boom
Em
x

The Key to Happiness

So you know the way I had massive news?

I don't really want to get too over excited yet but seeing as it's so close to happening I thought I'd share.

There's a 98% chance I will be moving in with my writting partner and lesbian bestie Gemma by the end of July :D

I'm really really hoping this happens because Gemma is awesome and I NEED to move out of my mums house. I still have some details to take care of in reguards of helping mum with bills and getting a room mate agreement drawn up but I feel pretty confident this is gonna happen.

It's gonna be a lesbian barbie dream house except without the hot pink (boke) and with a lot more vodka.

So that's part one of the big news I'll report back with part two asap so stay tuned.

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom

Em
x

I LIVE!!

Hello my few and faitful followers I am here to procalim that I am not dead!

I shall be back in a week or two once I get my laptop back, I am currently mooching off my friend Gemma and muh as I love her, we all know I blog better at 3am when madness sets in.

I have quite a lot to tell you guys and I'm very excited.

My life may be changing drastically in the next month or so and I'm very excited.

I also pinkie promise to keep this blog up better with lesbionic topics of lesbianity.

I miss you guys

Keep the faith

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom

Em
x

GAY SEX!!

and now that I have your attention let me talk to you about gay sex.

I've gotten a few questions from young gay ladies about "OMG IT'S THE FIRST TIME WHAT DO I DO!?!?!" and the simple answer is whatever you feel comfortable with, there are no rules, and I'm sorry there is NO instruction manual (I looked trust me).

The first time I had sex with a woman was fucking petrifying, I wasn't really ready for it and in hindsight wish I'd have waited but I was very much in love and we were in Dublin and it was romantic, and she was American, and going home and and and....sigh. The following may be tmi but basically I erm "Dined downstairs" had no idea what I was doing and basically tried my best based on stuff I'd read in "The Joy of Lesbian Sex", the L word and the moans emitting from the headboard of the bunk bed.

However the first time I let a woman touch me at all she tried to fist me, the girl after that wouldn't even go near my vagina annnnd then things got slightly better. My life is one sexual disaster after another it seems but the key is to take it too seriously.

Don't panic, assuming you're with someone you trust there won't be a 5 inch thick dildo and a bunch of straps and wires to cope with. Let them know it's your first time and that you need to take it slow, if it's both your first times relax with each other and just start with kissing and not to sound like a total hippy sex counselor explore each other. It's going to be awkward, there's no way to avoid it, the first time you have sex with anyone it's going to be awkward, but it can be beautifully so. And don't feel just because you've started you have to finish the first time you're naked with whoever you're with take it at your own pace.

To give you some frank and honest advice the best thing (in my opinion) to do is just touch her, caress her all over and slowly work your way to her lady parts. This won't only give you some time to chillax it can be very arousing just being together and feeling each others touch can be one of the most pleasant things about sex in general not just lesbian sex, but I think it's one of the perks of lesbianism is the way a woman touches you is very different to the way a man touches you. Don't just go shoving as many fingers inside of her and jam away like they do in those pathetic porno, start slowly with one or two running around her pussy, don't neglect her clit either and just listen to what she wants. Communication is the absolute key because some people prefer being penetrated some people prefer just straight up clit stimulation don't be afraid to ask her. The one piece of advice I would give for penetration is the "come hither" finger movement and not so much in and out but more caressing her inside, and to quote the great Alice Pieszecki "circles, circles are good"

When it comes to "taking the plunge" so to speak I'd again say take your time and USE YOUR WHOLE TOUNGE if it's not for you don't think that doesn't make you not gay, there's more to sex than just oral.

The best advice I can give is communication, I'd recommend this for all sex but especially your first time. For the most part girls won't expect you go down on them the first time you sleep with them because it can be a little intense and don't be afraid to say "I'm not ready for that yet" . Also don't be afraid to ask her if what you're doing feels good a simple "is that ok?" will suffice and incidentally it's very fucking sexy to know the person you're sleeping with cares enough to ask.

All in all losing your gay virginity is no less or no more complicated than the first time you have straight sex, the key is to be relaxed, ready and communicate.

Have fun and play safe guys

Cherry cherry boom boom

Em
x

I love Penis!

OMG the best thing in he world has to be Penis!

I just love cock, schlong, willies, dicks, wieners, pricks all ALL of them

I love them a lot almost as much as I love the things they are attached to

Boys and penis ftw!

cioa bella

Em
x

I think she likes me....

and I know I like her!

I couldn't be bothered to type all this out...plus I wanted to mime to that song



Cherry cherry boom boom

Em
x

A Gay Girls Guide to Gaydar-how to actually get a date off it

Ok so you and the love of your life have broken up, or you're just having no luck in the dating department, what is the first thing your lesbian friends will say to you....

"Get yourself on gaydar it is crawling with clunge"

But how does one approach the daunting task of gaydar?

Here is my quick and easy guide to getting yourself a date (all based on my own experience so you know it's not guaranteed success)

Step 1-Create Profile: using your wit and measure write some none pretentious lines about yourself without sound desperate, I know that's not easy when you're on a dating site but try to think about how it looks. For instance you could be a stunner ala Rihanna but if you write like a 14 year old chav on bebo it'll put a lot of people off as you're clearly not mentally capable of stringing a proper sentence together, so just use words instead of letters and you should be fine...also DO NOT write something like the following:

"I WANT TO FIND MY SOUL MATE, WILL YOU LOVE ME! PLEASE LOVE ME! I'LL LOVE YOU! LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE ME!!!"

That is both off putting and you'll only attract creepy stalker chicks who will love you too much


BONUS TIP: when you pick your pictures and you have more than one option always try to include a full shot of you because the full face shot can be very deceptive, so you may meet someone who thinks you're pretty but then your body type may not be their thing. It saves a lot of heart ache trust me on that one :)

Step 2- Browse the profiles in your location look for the fit girls: Nuff said

Step 3 -If you see someone you like MESSAGE THEM: Unlike the rest of the world of lesbian dating just starring at some girl all night will not get you anywhere, you have to be brave, toss the net out and if she doesn't reply then she doesn't it's not the end of the world.

Step 4- Be flirty but not creepy: don't start immediately asking for sex, unless they ask first...

Step 5- The Facebook Rule: OK so you've been messaging for a while and she doesn't seem crazy and she asks to add you to fb...you can add away just you know be ready for all those embarrassing photos of you to get looked at...and if she de-friends you immediately...don't get too offended

Step 6- Ask her out: In my experience the best first date tends to be coffee/a drink because they can be as short or as long as you like and there isn't a lot of pressure and you are able to talk and get to know each other

Step 7- Ask her out AGAIN

Step 8- If all goes well BAM! girlfriend!

Step 9- Break up: THAT BITCH! I AM SO DELETING HER FROM FACEBOOK!

Step 10- Hover over the delete button, change your mind and look at all her profile pictures: But she is so pretty :(

Step 11- Get drunk and passively aggressively tweet about your now ex: "Don't you hate it when people can't get you off!" or "I never liked cats I only said I did"

Step 12- Have overly heated text message battles that lead you no where and eat up your free texts

Step 13- God her profile picture is so fit, you met her online and what harm could it do to send her a flirty email?

Step 14- Stare at her Gaydar Profile to see how many new views she's got

Step 15- Ask your friends to look at your profile to boost your numbers

Step 16- realise you're crazy

Step 17- write a lengthy apology email

Step 18- Flirt your way back into her good books

Step 19- Realise she is with someone else (most likely her ex) and that isn't you so you're doomed to be forever alone

Step 20- Get drunk and cry

Step 21- Hangover times

Step 22- Realise that actually you only dated for a week or two and that every thing's going to be ok: Listen to your friends and get the hell back on that horse

Step 23- Get your ass back on Gaydar and repeat steps 2 through 8 it is only life after all ;)

Cherry Cherry boom boom

Em
x

And now for something completly different....

Blog fans

This isn't going to be one of my simply HILLLLLARIOUS looks at life as a failing lesbian Lothario , so please feel free to ignore me until I come back next week with another entry.

Tomorrow marks the 9th anniversary of the worst day of my life.

My dad, who was my hero and best friend died on the 11th February 2002 and was cremated on Valentines day. Hence my hatred of this time of year....

But while I have grown up, and the pain of his loss has eased slightly this year has had a slightly strange effect on me.

As the only person who loved me for being myself, and liked me the way I was it was extremly hard to lose him.

But now all I keep thinking "would he be proud of me?"

If I spoke to him now would the person I've grown into still be someone he'd love unconditionally?

I can't denay that I've changed a lot from the 13 year old girl that used to look up at him.

and since my life isn't exactly what I want it to be and I'm not proud of myself it's made me feel extra bad that I've let him down.

He always told me I could do and be anything I set my mind to and now that I'm just existing I feel like a total failure

would he even LIKE me now?

it's all such a complicated swirl of emotions in my poor head that I'm trying to figure out

Cherry cherry boom boom

Em
x

Because I have nothing better to do....and have writters block

The stoopid things meme:

level 1

() Smoked A Cigarette

() Smoked A Cigar

(XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXxxx) Kissed a member of the same gender

(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 2 (not so hardcore)

Level 2

( ) Are / Been In Love

(XXX) Been Dumped

(x) Shoplifted

( ) Been Fired

(x) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 5 (still pretty lame)

Level 3

(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person

(x ) Skipped School

(x) Slept With A Co-worker

(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 9 (ooooooh improved score)

Level 4

(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends

( ) Been To Paris

(x) Been To England

(x) Been On A Plane

(x_x) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 13

Level 5

(x) Eaten sushi

( x) Met someone BECAUSE Of Facebook/Myspace/MXit

(x) Been in a Mosh Pit

() Don’t know what a Mosh Pit is

SO FAR: 16 (ooooooooh LEVELED UP)

Level 6

(x) Taken Pain Killers

(x) Loved/Liked Someone Who You Can’t Have

(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By

(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 20 (even number woo hoo)

Level 7

(x) Had A Tea Party

(x) Flown A Kite

(x) Built A Sand Castle

(x) Gone Mudding

(xxxxxXXXXXxxxxxXXXXXxxxx) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 24 (DRESSSSSSSSSSING UP!!!)

Level 8

(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves

(x) Gone Sledding

( ) Cheated While Playing A Game

(xxxxxxx :( ) Been Lonely

(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 27

Level 9

(x) Watched The Sun Set

( ) Felt An Earthquake

(x)Held A Snake

SO FAR: 29!

Level 10

(x) Been Tickled

(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized

(x) Been Cheated On

(x) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 33

Level 11

(x) Won A Contest

( ) Been Suspended From School

(x) Had Detention

(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 36

Level 12

(though no one EVER believe me that I haven't ) Had / Have Braces

(X) Eaten A Whole Pint Of Ice Cream In One Night

( ) Danced In The Moonlight

SO FAR: 37

Level 13

(xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxxXxXXxXxX) Hated The Way You Look

(x) Witnessed A Crime

() Pole Danced

(x) Questioned Your Heart

( ) Been Obsessed With Post It Notes

SO FAR: 41

Level 14

(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud

(X *I spend most of my life lost) Been Lost

(x) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World

(x) Swam In The Ocean

(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 46 geeez this thing is bloody long

Level 15

(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep

(x) Played Cops And Robbers

(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers

(x) Sang Karaoke

(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 51

Level 16

(xxxxxxxxx) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn’t

(x) Made Prank Phone Call(s)

(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose

(x) Kissed In The Rain -epic sigh- this is my absolute FAVORITE thing to do

SO FAR:55

Level 17

(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus

(x) Watched The Sun Set and/or Sun Rise With Someone You Care/Cared About

(x) Blown Bubbles

(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or Anywhere

SO FAR: 59

Level 18

(x) Crashed A Party

(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People

(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading

(x) Had A Wish Come True

SO FAR: 63

Level 19

(x) Worn Pearls

(x) Jumped Off A Bridge

( ) Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 65

Level 20

( ) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/Ice Cube

( ) Kissed A Fish o.OWHAT. THE. FFfffffff........

(x) Worn The Opposite Gender’s Clothes

(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 67

Level 21

(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs

() Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel

() Talked On The Phone For More Than 4 Hours

(x) Recently Stayed Up For A While Talking To Someone You Care About

SO FAR: 69 dirty number

Level 22

(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree

(x) Climbed A Tree

(x) Had/Been In A Tree House

(x) Been Scared Too Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 72

Level 23

( ) Believe In Ghosts

(x) Have/had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes

( ) Streaking

(x) Visited a Jail

SO FAR: 74

Level 24

(x) Played Chicken

(x) Been Told You’re Hot By A Complete Stranger

(x) Broken A Bone

(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 78

Level 25

(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later

( ) Made a [porn] Movie

(x) Caught A Butterfly

( x) Laughed So Hard You Cried

( x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 82

Level 26

(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone

(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You

(x) Cheated On A Test

(x) Forgotten Someone’s Name

( ) French Braided Someones Hair

(x) Gone Skinny Dipping

(x) Been Kicked Out Of Your House

SO FAR: 89

Level 27

(x) Rode A Roller Coaster

(x) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling

(x) Had A Cavity

( ) Black-Mailed Someone

(x) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 93

Level 28

(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx) Been Used :(

(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs

(x) Licked by A Cat

(x) Bitten Someone

(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 98

Level 29

(x) Been Shot At/Or Held At Gunpoint

( ) Had Intercourse In The Rain

() Flattened Someones Tires

() Rode Your Bike/Driven Your Car Until The Fuel Light Came On

() got 20$ or less worth of fuel

TOTAL: 99

I am a lame lame person

cherry cherry boom boom

Em

x

Oh Facebook-keeping us all connected

LAWLS!!

I was browsing my facebook friends list and stumbled across someone I had NO idea who they were so I looked at their profile...so apparently he was the first guy I every gave a drunken BJ to after performing in my underwear in "The Rocky Horror Show" don't cha LOVE facebook to bits for keeping you connected with old friends?

I'm going to stay his friend for nostalgia's sake

I miss my slutty 18 year old self x3

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom

Em
x

The BiSEXual question

Ladies!

It is 2011!

I am back!

I am a whore!

I am blogging once more!

well TRYING to blog...

Ok so I was here wrecking my brain to trying to decide what my first official blog of 2011 should be, should it be sexy, funny, tragic, or boring?

Well I've chosen a topic close to my heart....well my vagina really SEX but more specifically sex with bisexual girls.

Now I have made a fair few lesbian friends the past year or so and most of them are uniform in their agreement that "Bi sexual girls aren't as good in bed as lesbians"

WTF?

I'm not one of these lesbians who excludes bisexuals from their dating pool for fear of getting boy cooties all over me. I've pretty much always had the view that if a girl regardless of how she labels herself is interested in me that makes her "Emuh-Sexual" and that is absolutely fine with me. Bi-sexual girls are just as eager to have sex in my experience than lesbians, in fact some have deffffffffffffffinatly out lady lusted the lesbians I've been with.

For example I semi-dated a girl in uni for a couple of weeks, she was the stereotypes of all stereotypes EXCEPT in the bedroom, she point blank refused to go anywhere near my lady bits with anything but a timid finger for 20 seconds and I'm pretty sure the very word "vagina" scared her beyond belief. It was without a doubt THE worst sex I've ever had with anyone and all this from a gold star lesbian who claimed to never fail to make a girl cum....except for me obviously sigh :s

Now in my time I've had the good fortune to sleep with a very bi-sexual girl, who on the surface was very femme, you know the type who would look at you're naked body and exclaim "OMG YOU HAVE BEWBS!" well blow m if she wasn't as hungry for lady bits as I am! Not only that she was a down right expert with no fear of trying things not just giving that area a bit of a poke with a spoon (don't ask). It was by far the best sex I've ever had with anyone EVER and all this from a girl my friends would describe as undesirable and avoid simply because she was bi and would "have no idea what she was doing"....LESBIANS WTF!?

What I'm trying to say ladies is that ANYONE can be good or bad at doing the sexual thing regardless of how they identify, don't assume that a lesbian will be amazing in bed and that a bisexual won't go down on you. I'm just fed up with the closed mindedness of a community that has to deal with a similar thing every day. So ladies don't go limiting yourself by being bi-hating....they're called bi-SEXUAL for a reason.

Cherry cherry boom boom

Em
x

tomorrow...

my dear ones i get internetz at home and shall return with new stories of lesbian randomness!

huzah!

cherry cherry boom boom

em
x